The Chile Experience

I have been humbled. My rose colored glasses were snatched off my American face. I still love Chile, I do, but things are hard here (duh). Things I didnt expect are really hard. Why didnt I expect it be hard? Silly, silly me. I am starting to get frustrated and irritated and lonely. I know this is probably normal for anyone who moves to a country where they dont speak the native tongue or know anyone. But the lack of meaning-full interaction is getting to me. I dont have anyone that I can just sit down with and talk to. I hate that I took for granted all the wonderful, silly conversations I had with my friends in the States. I miss being understood and feeling connected to something. I miss not being exhausted after a 10 minute conversation because I am so focused on what is being said. The language barrier means that I am always one joke behind and a little out of sync with everyone else in the conversation. I am not funny or witty or charming in spanish. I feel like this duller version of myself. I was doing a good job of looking for joy or fun things in unexpected places for our first several months here. But I have hit a wall and have been in this horrible pity party mode for a couple weeks now. And in the process I have been completely humbled.

When we got here I was all sunshine and rainbows. I was smug and thought that I could just waltz into Chile and boom, poof, be ok. Not so fast. I was so arrogant. Oh my goodness. I thought "I am brave and adventurous and I totally got this". Being completely immersed into a new culture and country is hard. OBVIOUSLY. And shame on me for thinking it would be otherwise for me. I only hurt myself. But now with a new attitude and perspective change I am doing better. Isnt it funny what a little perspective can do!? Turns out being embarrassed and feeling dumb everyday can actually be a good thing. I have learned to let go. I am not in control here and all I can do is the best that I can do. And turns out that the States isnt all that. I am really starting to appreciate the pros of The States and the cons, as well as the pros and cons of Chile. I have learned a lot about myself. Turns out being quiet and listening is good. Who knew?? Not this chatterbox. You know I met someone the other day at the playground (an American!) and she is really nice and has a daughter Curly girl's age. Their family has been here for 3 years and her daughter doesnt speak spanish and they mainly only hang out with other gringos (I can use that word since I am one here). And it hit me in that moment I needed to change my perspective and get out my funk before that was me. Dont get me wrong, they are lovely and their children will be wonderful friends for Curly girl, but no. I dont want to look back on my year and think about all the things I missed out on because I was scared or was worried I would feel or look stupid. I dont want Curly girl to not speak spanish (no fear there she already is better than me) and I dont want to have completely missed out on what makes Chile, Chile! I am brave and I can do this. I know that much.  I need to follow my very brave daughter's example. She was really struggling and having a hard time at school and now she is blossoming here. She is speaking spanish and laughing with friends at school. This year will probably be one of my hardest yet. But sometimes the best things and the experiences worth having are hard. I need to remember that everyday. I am proud of us for not choosing what was easy, but instead embracing possibility.